Well what a weekend !!! Beautiful Blue skies and perfick weather and not a chance to go out once ... le sigh ... This weekend has been a rough one all round and to be honest made harder by neither myself or Himself wanting to upset the other but to be strong for the other. So we have spent the entire week ... and definately weekend bottling up everything.
NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO MAKE A HABIT OF!!!
Eventually something goes BOOM!!! and over the silliest thing that isn't even anything to do with what is really going on, but at that moment in time, that is where the cork pops and sprays the contents everywhere. Have you ever done the Mentos and Coke rocket trick ??? Well that is pretty much the mood aroud here right now, everyone being shaken up and just waiting to be dropped on thier cap for the explosion to happen.
As I write this I am in the kitchen, my favourite room at home next to the one that holds the bed in it where i collapse in a heap most nights and into a work drained coma. Anywhoo Himself is in there right now cos we just had our first ding dong at each other. Yeap we did ... 18 months on and finally we let loose on each other and it wasn't even about what we had a ding dong about, it is all the pent up frustration of the situation we find ourselves in and unable to do anything about just now.
A mix of grief, fear, frustration, concern and love. Yeap it is in there too because without Love you can't have the others. It isn't actually possible. I have discovered today that I will no longer stay silent as my friends and myself get walked over or people take the mikey cos they think we are pushovers and can get away with it. No More !!!
It is the responsibility of all of us to speak up when something is wrong especially when it concerns those around us that we love and care about. It is also our responsibility to speak up when we are hurt by others. It is not our responsibility to speak out and yes be diplomatic if needs be but not hide our feelings from those we are closest to. If we need to vent we need to vent. If something needs saying then something SHOULD be said. Staying silent so you don't hurt your partners feelings because they have enough on thier plate right now isn't helping anyone. It is not allowing your partner to be there for you, it is not allowing you to have the chance to really let things out either.
It is very different having a bitch session with your mates to talking things out with your partner. Your mates will always be on your side and either be empathetic or goad you on and work you into a frenzy of frustration and crankiness that will end up with you exploding at the very person you shouldn't.
Well you know what ... when you blow out at someone because you have been bottling things up about a person or situation to a point where you have a ding dong with the person you love more than life itself next to your kids... then that person or situation has won.
I'm sorry but I'm not allowing that to happen.
The person in question the situation in question is not worth our energy getting angry at each other. When what we really want to do is let go of the negative stuff inside about a specific person or situation. When we don't allow it, they win, they drain us of all our good energy and fill us up with negative. I am worth more than that!!!
There are somet hings I am going to have a worse reaction to than others. Being told what I can and cannot do is one of them. As an adult I feel like a frightened child and I will NOT allow myself to feel that way every again!!! especially when it is nothing to do with the issue at hand.
However, tit for tat is pointless and trying to get your personal point across about an issue or something that was said is also quite pointless since the words said were nothing to do with the real issue.
Therefore I have this to say :~
My Dearest Beloved Himself whom I love truly with all of my heart, I am sorry for being a snitty cow all weekend and especially today. I realise you are also going through major major things right now, however I think we need to let it out and let it go. I love you and I will not let someone as negative and malicious and so full of negative evil energy, drain me like this again to the point where all they can do is infect me with thier nastiness. I want you to feel you can talk to me about anything and everything as we normally do. The only way to move forward through this is to talk together and let it out properly and not hide it from each other as we are.
I know you will come in your own time, just know that I love you and I will be here whenever you are ready.
My heart is yours and forever open to you as are my arms, my shoulder is strong and there for you to cry on, and my lap is here for you to curl up on and my mouth here to kiss away your pain.
xox Bloo xox
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