I do hope this weekend has treated you kindly. This weekend for me has been all sorts of "fun and games" and not in a "tag your it" kinda way.
We have only moved in properly as of Wednesday last week. For the week and a half before that Himself has been busily popping our stuff over on a parcel truck and running it round the corner!!! Bless him he truly is my hero. The Saturday we were due to start moving I lost the plot. The lack of routine and complete chaos I found myself surrounded by turned me into a puddle, so my hero packed up our brekky things and did the first trip to the new house at 7am on that Saturday morning with me in my pj's trotting alongside him. (Well hobbling but let's not split hairs).
From that moment I stayed in our new home and unpacked boxes and crates as they came in the door. It was fabbytastic and what made it better was I had the wonderful sounds of Serpentyne playing on the stereo. I have to admit at this point I think I might not have been as calm without thier beautiful music. It just struck a cord with me and brought me back to a place I haven't been in a very long time. A place of comfort and bliss. This lasted about a week ... and then the lads helped Himself bring a heap of stuff over in the car....
... and I was surrounded... I had visions in my head of walking through the living room and the boxes tumbling over in a wave ... and that for me was pretty much a breaking point. I fled from the room once the lads had left and hid in bed under the blankey. I wasn't coming out for anyone and since I wasn't allowed to pick anything up I felt worse because Himself was working his poor ickle butt off carrying our entire life together down 3 flights of stairs by the box load.
Sometimes I know my behaviour is childish and ridiculous, the worst part is I annoy the heck outta myself because I do it but I have no way at that point of controlling it and off I go into a downward spiral of a vicious circle that makes things worse until I can either find a way out of the house or find something to take my attention like a toddler really only a heck of a lot more of a heffalump to try and calm down.
The life of an Agoraphobic is a nightmare. It is very difficult for many people to understand. Some of us are lucky enough to have families and loved ones who do, but saying that not even some family members tend to always understand and to be honest how could they ???
When we find a focus we are amazing! we truly are we can do anything at all (mostly indoors) but truly anything at all because our focus on one thing is so great and undistracted. If however things don't go the way we think they should and if we think for any reason that people are going to be looking down on us because of what has happened whether it be in our control or not we fall to pieces. I don't mean a few minutes of tears I mean .. we drop ... we can drop lower than a Bi-Polar drop and it's scary for everyone all around. We even find ways to try and push those closest to us away and will do so to the a breaking point in our relationships. Just so no-one can find us. Luckily for some of us our partners are onto us and won't let us do it. In fact Himself is quite capable of coming up to me and saying "it won't work, you're stuck with me" when I have tried.
I am not writing this to make people feel sorry for me or even agoraphobics in general. What I am writing this for is to give some of you out there a little insight into our world. Our world is one full of ups and downs and sometimes not just taking things a day at a time but moment by moment. Every step out of bed is a win. Every step up the hallway is a win. Making a cuppa without someone coming with you to the kitchen is a win. Stepping outside the house is a MASSIVE win and going anywhere in the car or on public transport or even helping out in the local charity shop for a couple of hours once a week is one of the biggest wins there is.
The more we do the better we get. However it can take something quite small to set us right back at square one. The joy of it is it doesn't take as long to come back again out of it as it did the last time or the time before that.
I look forward to the day I know that I have had 10 days of bliss like the week I have a couple of weeks ago. It isn't far off I know that ... but it will take time. Patience is not one of my best virtues especially with myself. I am finding though I am learning to be kinder to myself, learning to accept me for how I am and learning to see the wins each and every one of them.
One of the biggest things I am learning is :~
Don't sweat the small stuff.
When you first learn this you make a realisation once you put it into practice and that is :~
It's all small stuff
Truer words were never spoken. It's just learning that and keeping it close and putting it into practice when the bad moments hit. In the end we are doing the best we can.
Having something to take our mind away from what it is that has set us off is important. I have started painting murals on our walls in the hallway. I have also taken up reading again the sort of reading that doesn't teach you anything it's just there to keep you occupied and maybe take you away from things for a while.
The thing I am most proud of is letting people into my space, to be able to do this I had to be able to control the situation. This means I have now set up 3 days of craft groups at Pixies Rest.
This means I have to make sure that everything is ready for the days. Even if no-one shows not at the beginning it doesn't matter. It means I am more ready the next time, and the next time and the next.
Anyways one last thing ... learn to laugh at yourself, some of the situations we find ourselves in are ridiculous learn to see it for it's funny side.
Anywhooo that's enough from me tonight my head has started to pound a bit and I think it's time for me to go make some din dins so when Himself gets home he can eat.
Have a fabbytastic rest of your evening
xox Love and Light xox
If you are interested in joining us on our PlayDays feel free to check out our new website for more info. We would be glad to welcome you. We have a safe environment with understanding people and children are more than welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment